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Sep. 1st, 2008 01:24 amSince I've been asked more than once, usually with incredulity, about the fact that I have kids, I figure that since it was Ed's birthday recently and he turned 13 (shame I couldn't be there, really; nothing new, since Tom's birthday clashes with one of the few "cannot skip" work events of the year - this year was pleasantly different as I got to take him and his friends along to Laserquest in the Delica). I might as well post a few things about them.
Ed's terrifyingly like me, from appearance to temperament. His eyes in particular, including being similarly broken - the difference being that when Doctors suggested mucking about with them, I was somewhat vocal about them not being allowed near him until he's a: old enough to make his own decision on it, and b: old enough to have finished growing. It's reassuring that having followed this advice, he is 13 and still has good eyes, and they're becoming aligned. He's into a lot of random stuff, but Pokemon, video games (which I guess Pokemon counts as a subset of), and being a bit of a clown are a start.
What isn't so obvious is that he's a thinker. Give him an idea, and he runs with it, and he's pretty emotive. I like this; being emotive and a thinker gives him the freedom to express what he is really feeling. His art is pretty good too, and I'd like to think that not having his eyes messed with helped with that.
Tom's very different. He's a dude. He looks different, with long blackbrown hair and dark eyes, and he's got darker skin, more like me in summer or possibly his mother's dad. If it weren't for his legs being suboptimal at the moment, he'd probably have been skater material - he has the "cool" attitude and eclectic selection of friends I always associated with the skaters. He's also got more of his mum in his face. Sadly, he has got (and to a more severe extent; I wonder if the fact that I cycled everywhere helped me) the short tendons in his legs, but he's into a wide range of things, sports & music (though, quite sensibly in context, he takes criticism badly[1]). He's also shit-hot at Halo; I'm made of fairly extensive fail for not having time (or skills) to play Halo online with him. Tom also loves cars - I'm looking forward to when he's old enough, or lives somewhere with enough space, for me to sort him out with his first car. Knowing what I do with my car history, he's going to get quite a bit of freedom of choice, depending on road legislation and conditions at the time. I kinda hope he wants something he can tinker with, like a Beetle 1303 or similar.
Tom's more prone to open aggression. He'll beat the crap out of people that annoy him, whereas Ed takes it a little bit to heart.
Thing is, apart from the odd critical situation, I let Sharon get on with it with them. One of the conflicts for us was "parenting technique", and neither of us was wrong, but neither of us saw eye-to-eye on many issues. I can pretty easily say that she wasn't wrong, because as teenagers and near teenagers go, they're awesome kids. Getting to hang out and chat with Ed at McDonalds and discuss fairly heavy philosophical concepts demonstrated to me that as well as fart jokes and attention seeking, he's also seeking knowledge and understanding of the world around him.
I don't get to hang out with them that much - oddly enough, being further away makes it more important that I do when I can, but that's also inspired by their personalities becoming stronger and more distinct. They're a lot easier to interact with as "mini adults" for me, with respect for their own opinions and thought processes, than as "units of child" that I'm attempting to control. IIRC, I was pretty much left to my own devices, for better or worse, from a pretty young age.
One thing I think they've always understood is that if they need me, I'm there[2]; whether I'm down the road, or 240 miles away. If they were being bullied at school, or needed to go to something important, as long as I was made aware of it, then I'm there. Showing up at school in the black Sera with New Rocks and long black coat was a good way to make sure the other kids realised that they've got backup; it's not that they're the Kooky kid - they've got the Kooky and slightly scary parent to match if needed.
[1] I have disagreed with my parents over this; I believe children practicing art or crafts SHOULD be encouraged as long as they show an active interest; it's only when they're much older that their efforts need to be quantified. 8 and playing cello a little raggedly? Fine. Keep it up, sounds excellent (and he could play a lot better than I could, and read music, albeit slowly, which I cannot); 21 and trying for orchestra and the timing's a bit out? THEN you can get the criticism, though it is better if it's helpful rather than outright.
[2] The flipside of that is, of course, that they may be aware that I wasn't around at specific points. I'm honest with them if they ask, as I think it's important not to shelter kids from reality. I sure as hell wasn't. They're aware of my relationships, my work and indeed, my motivations and priorities sometimes - I pretty much count on them to understand every aspect of a situation and make their own judgements on how they feel about it. Things that are significant and worth being upset over - nature, or nurture?
Ed's terrifyingly like me, from appearance to temperament. His eyes in particular, including being similarly broken - the difference being that when Doctors suggested mucking about with them, I was somewhat vocal about them not being allowed near him until he's a: old enough to make his own decision on it, and b: old enough to have finished growing. It's reassuring that having followed this advice, he is 13 and still has good eyes, and they're becoming aligned. He's into a lot of random stuff, but Pokemon, video games (which I guess Pokemon counts as a subset of), and being a bit of a clown are a start.
What isn't so obvious is that he's a thinker. Give him an idea, and he runs with it, and he's pretty emotive. I like this; being emotive and a thinker gives him the freedom to express what he is really feeling. His art is pretty good too, and I'd like to think that not having his eyes messed with helped with that.
Tom's very different. He's a dude. He looks different, with long blackbrown hair and dark eyes, and he's got darker skin, more like me in summer or possibly his mother's dad. If it weren't for his legs being suboptimal at the moment, he'd probably have been skater material - he has the "cool" attitude and eclectic selection of friends I always associated with the skaters. He's also got more of his mum in his face. Sadly, he has got (and to a more severe extent; I wonder if the fact that I cycled everywhere helped me) the short tendons in his legs, but he's into a wide range of things, sports & music (though, quite sensibly in context, he takes criticism badly[1]). He's also shit-hot at Halo; I'm made of fairly extensive fail for not having time (or skills) to play Halo online with him. Tom also loves cars - I'm looking forward to when he's old enough, or lives somewhere with enough space, for me to sort him out with his first car. Knowing what I do with my car history, he's going to get quite a bit of freedom of choice, depending on road legislation and conditions at the time. I kinda hope he wants something he can tinker with, like a Beetle 1303 or similar.
Tom's more prone to open aggression. He'll beat the crap out of people that annoy him, whereas Ed takes it a little bit to heart.
Thing is, apart from the odd critical situation, I let Sharon get on with it with them. One of the conflicts for us was "parenting technique", and neither of us was wrong, but neither of us saw eye-to-eye on many issues. I can pretty easily say that she wasn't wrong, because as teenagers and near teenagers go, they're awesome kids. Getting to hang out and chat with Ed at McDonalds and discuss fairly heavy philosophical concepts demonstrated to me that as well as fart jokes and attention seeking, he's also seeking knowledge and understanding of the world around him.
I don't get to hang out with them that much - oddly enough, being further away makes it more important that I do when I can, but that's also inspired by their personalities becoming stronger and more distinct. They're a lot easier to interact with as "mini adults" for me, with respect for their own opinions and thought processes, than as "units of child" that I'm attempting to control. IIRC, I was pretty much left to my own devices, for better or worse, from a pretty young age.
One thing I think they've always understood is that if they need me, I'm there[2]; whether I'm down the road, or 240 miles away. If they were being bullied at school, or needed to go to something important, as long as I was made aware of it, then I'm there. Showing up at school in the black Sera with New Rocks and long black coat was a good way to make sure the other kids realised that they've got backup; it's not that they're the Kooky kid - they've got the Kooky and slightly scary parent to match if needed.
[1] I have disagreed with my parents over this; I believe children practicing art or crafts SHOULD be encouraged as long as they show an active interest; it's only when they're much older that their efforts need to be quantified. 8 and playing cello a little raggedly? Fine. Keep it up, sounds excellent (and he could play a lot better than I could, and read music, albeit slowly, which I cannot); 21 and trying for orchestra and the timing's a bit out? THEN you can get the criticism, though it is better if it's helpful rather than outright.
[2] The flipside of that is, of course, that they may be aware that I wasn't around at specific points. I'm honest with them if they ask, as I think it's important not to shelter kids from reality. I sure as hell wasn't. They're aware of my relationships, my work and indeed, my motivations and priorities sometimes - I pretty much count on them to understand every aspect of a situation and make their own judgements on how they feel about it. Things that are significant and worth being upset over - nature, or nurture?
